Saturday, 28 June 2014
The League of Extraordinary Pious Girls
Ibadan boy came over, we talked and well he slept over. Even when he was still standing outside my door without letting me know in advance or anything, we both knew he was sleeping over.
While cleansing my face, I imagined my friends coming over the next morning for a surprise visit. The looks on their faces when they see a guy lying on my bed tore through my imagination.
You see, my friends and I are meant to be virtuous women. Virtuous women in the sense that you cannot be caught committing ‘serious sin’, like foreplay, drinking, using lots of swear words, talking excessively about men. Women like us shouldn’t have blood running through our veins; it should rather be liquid steel.
We must flinch anytime we see girls who look like they've been having lots of fun. If we have boyfriends, we should treat them like they don’t matter. Better yet drive them to a break up giving room for better things to do with time. Not having a boyfriend gets you extra points in the LEPG’s society, because it is assumed to be putting God first. Adventures and spontaneous events are out of the question.
I've come to realize that I’m not like them. I like boys, sometimes I want to look sexy; let my hair down, get in that low waist jean, do something crazy, live carefree. But if I do my friends would think I've ‘backslidden’.
For these girls, being born again is simply an excuse to be ambitious, driven women who put their goals above everything, especially relationships with men. Let’s check it, even religious activities come second in their priority list, accomplishments are all that matter. They move from one project to another, winning this and that award. What baffles me is the fact that they act like these appointments or obligations are forced down upon them, like a workaholic spirit is driving them to do things they don’t want to. When they get nominated for a price, they shrug, acting like they couldn't be bothered. And if they win that award, they hang it where everyone can see and if you dare made the mistake of congratulating them; it’s like saying, SORRY OH, I HEARD YOU HAD AIDS.
When it comes to their relationships with men, there is no room for submission or service. To belong to the LEPG’s cliché you must be stubborn, strong, independent, self-confident, and self-sufficient or at least appear to be, because being dependent or vulnerable is frowned upon the LEPG’s.
Those that don’t have boyfriends do one of two things, either they complain asking their friends, ‘is there anything wrong with me’, ‘am I not pretty enough’, ‘what am I doing wrong’? Like they’re not consciously repelling men away from themselves. Or, they remain single, which would win you more points as an LEPG since you didn't have to go through the trouble of having a man in the first place.
I can understand why an LEPG wouldn't want to be vulnerable with a man. In most cases it’s because once you start showing interest in a guy they would turn on you, ignore your calls and act like they’re doing you a favor by spending time with you.
It’s the pretentiousness that really pisses me off, because we all know that we’re at least getting FINGERED. But noooo, we must put on our pious hats and walk with our noses held up high. If you ever made the mistake of sharing your fears and shortcomings with ‘close friends’, they’ll have ‘look at this harlot look’ BOLDLY written all over their faces. Meanwhile they might have had abortions and re-dedicated their lives to Christ the next day.
Why do you think women end up clinging to their man? It’s because they have no one to talk to so they end up suffocating the poor man who ends up being fed up with all the clinginess leading to a break up with the girl. What about the guy friend who becomes you’re shoulder to cry on and ends up falling in love with you.
So ladies, I beg of you. Let’s stop this nonsense and start being honest with ourselves. There’s nothing being wrong with being ambitious (as long as it’s for the right reasons) and trying to be Christ like too. Just don't act like you’re incapable of committing sin, because you don’t know what you might be doing to your BFF.