Friendship

Friendship comes first before romantic relationships. I never understood people who said things like, “I can’t be in a relationship with my friend because there wouldn't be any sexual chemistry”. So what happens when you’re old, with wrinkles and all dried up?

Friendship according to Wikipedia is defined as a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people. Friendship is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an association (more than acquaintances).

There comes a time when two friends realize, that the next phase of every relationship is upon them, what I like to call the make or break phase. For example, you want to take the relationship further when you are no longer satisfied with making approving sounds. You’re ready to start sharing secrets, fears, anxieties, worries, you start becoming human. Mind you different people come with different temperaments but everyone has their own way of opening up no matter how small. The other option is becoming distant, unavailable, and downright cruel.  Making stupid excuses like, “I don’t like stress”, “I’m busy”, “you don’t understand me”, “that’s how I was raised”, letting the friendship wither away and die. All of this so as not to take any responsibility for it’s destruction. Sometimes people grow apart knowing fully well what is doing on and that’s okay by them.

In today’s world, good people are hard to come by. Not because things are hard and everyone is trying to hustle. It’s because everyone is guarded, trying to portrait the idea of perfection and purity which doesn't really exist. On our journey to perfection and beauty we become as inhumane as possible. What comes to mind is the movie Lucy, her sense of direction, her poise, her efficiency was so robotic.

I have experienced a relationship crumbling down. Me being someone who loves love, I tired salvaging it. Long story short, we were never really friends, the person holding us together wasn't around anymore. No one wanted and was willing to be responsible enough to admit this. Instead we held grievances, believing that we were the ones trying to save the friendship while the other party refused to take responsibility. In the end, even if we did take responsibility, no one was ready to work towards salvaging what was left of the relationship. Everything worth having, takes a lot of effort to keep alive. If it isn't worth so much then it would be a waste to invest in.

I have compiled a checklist below; if you have reached the make-or-break point and most of the options don’t apply to your relationship, forget about it.

o   You strive to edify each other

o   There is no room for judgment, but you wouldn't let your friends act a fool

o   You keep in touch and value that communication is key

o   You understand the fact that no one is perfect

o   You expect certain things from the friendship, because you are friends not acquaintances

o   You can be yourself with them but you don’t have the need to bear your soul to them

o   You hold them accountable and verse versa, again you've passed the point of getting to know each other

o   They are honored to share your shame story with you

o   You can be vulnerable with each other

o   There are hardly any awkward moments of silence between the both of you

o   You can’t help but be honest with the person

o   At the beginning of the relationship, you put your best foot forward, eventually you start being real.

o   You don’t run away when, you start hearing and seeing real shit

o   You accept them for who they are but you’ll never let them run you over

o   You don’t need another friend to be present before you can make meaningful conversation

Let me know if you have any other criteria for friendship. If you think the ones I've mentioned are too extreme, let me know. Ps, I never really knew these things myself, I just called everyone I meet my friend. Then I meet my best friend, he made me truly understand friendship, he taught me love, he taught me human connection and the need to make someone feel your presence without having to be physically present. He’s my amazing gift from God

Pretty Hurts

A beauty pageant, is a show that make girls walk around half naked while putting on plastic smiles. They have been on for quite a long time. What’s the point of it all, except getting lots of money and becoming famous !? I believe the industry was designed to make young girls highly insecure with their looks and who they are, make them aspire to be ‘pretty’. Pretty in this context would mean having a coke bottle body, soft hair and a fairly light skin tone(not all the time). I think of myself as pretty, except for the times I don’t succumb in my yummy curve body to an uncomfortable posture, put on lots of makeup and take selfies in broad day light where my skin tone would be a little bit  brighter than usual.

So who set this standard, who set the rules on whose pretty and who isn’t? As an artlover, I watch a lot of art documentaries. There was a particular one which talked about the history of art, according to the documentary, nomadic man made a statue out of limestone dating 12500 years old which was later called the Venus of Willendorf. This statue was a woman who had huge thighs, hips, large breasts, no arms, the head left hardly defined and a very pronounced sexual organ. The archaeologists believed that the nomadic man placed emphasis on just the ‘important’ parts of the body. Those days, women didn’t need a head to think, reason or hands to produce and denominate. The nomadic women were only useful as child bearers given their features, hips for supporting the unborn child and huge breast to feed the child. This brings me to the 'form follows function principle'.

This principle is associated with the modern architecture and industrial design in the 20th century. The principle states that the shape of the building or object or (person) should be primarily based upon its intended function or purpose. Even the famous architect, Adolf Loss declared that architectural ornament was criminal. Good to know that even our ancestors believed we couldn’t just be pretty for pretty sake, that beauty has purpose!

So the world wide obsession with ‘the perfect body’ may not be such a waste of time. But I ask myself, why did God make the majority of women assless and boobless? Are we to blame from all the chemicals and toxins we’ve injected to our bodies? Have they somehow alternated our biological makeup? Well, thank goodness we have the ability to permanently alter our physical makeup so that we can become ‘useful to our purpose’.

I even find myself being attracted to men with broad shoulders and huge arms. Maybe its because subconsciously I believe that a man with these features would be able to take care of my children and me. I bet nomadic women would have created sculptures of men with large arms and board shoulders, if only they didn’t believe they were only good for bearing children. I’m so grateful I belong in a time when my hips and chest size don’t define my worth.

With or without boobs, ass there are women who have no interest in bearing children. Also with or without broad shoulders there are men who are highly incapable of providing for their families. So what’s the whole purpose of beauty then? Why do we accept beauty for beauty sake? Are we to blame society for dictating what is beautiful or are we to blame ourselves for accepting what society says is beautiful?

I believe that beautiful is whole, a perfect balance of depth and definition. Depth represents darkness; it shows the magnitude of an object, how far it’s come and where it’s going. While definition represents light; it shows the details of an object, the little details that make that object unique, and the constants that would never be altered no matter the situation. Let’s translate that to a human. With us humans, beauty goes beyond looks, it much more than that. In fact you can only understand beauty when you love someone. 

When you encounter someone whose depth would mean life experiences, experiences they had control over, like friends and the kind of knowledge they let themselves get exposed to. While definition represents things we have no control over, God given features like sex, temperament or social upbringing. Like a beautiful landscape, the ying yang symbol or an old lady laughing, you can only find beauty in the perfect balance of two opposites. 

So I believe that beauty goes beyond physical purpose, it’s multi-dimensional. From now on, any time you look at someone or something think very hard before you define, term as beautiful

La Feministe

‘Feminist, someone who believes in the social, political equality of the sexes’, Chimamanda.

Just listened to 'Flawless' by Beyoncé featuring Chimamanda. I knew i had to listen to the full song once I saw the preview video on YouTube, not just because I’m a die-hard fan of Chimamanda but because I’m loving Beyoncé’s new self-titled album.

So back to the matter at hand, Feminists! I actually thought they were a group of sexually frustrated women whom the men in their lives have driven into lesbianism and complete hatred for the male race.  Till I got to realise that men could be feminists, a married woman with children can also be a feminist just like Beyoncé or Chimamanda.

Feminist simply believe that women have the same rights as men, simple isn’t it? People still do believe that feminist can’t be girly or own their sexuality. I believe that a woman can still go to work, pick up the kids and give your husband a lap dance while cooking; God didn’t give us the multitasking gift for nothing. Feminists have evolved over the years, just like the human race. I say this because, once upon a time, black people didn’t have the same rights as white people, they were slaves who were beaten up, molested, raped and even killed by white men. Jews were being killed in the most horrific ways imaginable to mankind and were almost wiped out of existence, entire race and yet we’re here.

I do think that some women are taking the feminist thing a bit too far. I watched two or three episodes of the L word and I asked myself, BUT WHY! It’s was obvious to me that the writers of the TV show are women who had bad relationships with men and have decided to deceive themselves into thinking that they do not need men. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a feminist too, I don’t think I’m an independent woman, I’d just rather call myself an interdependent woman. I don’t believe that men were created to just provide sperm to make children, neither are they as useful as battery powered dildos.

We were created to coexist, to grow together, and to develop. The bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” and I believe she who finds a husband finds an awesome being. The economic theory, comparative advantage, explains coexistence and interdependence clearly. It refers to the ability of a party to produce a particular good or service at a lower marginal or opportunity cost than another even if one party has absolute advantage, i.e. more efficient in the production of all goods than the other, both parties will still gain by trading with each other, as long as they have different relative efficiencies. So why assume a role you know don’t belong to you simply because the society has assigned that role to you.

Even though we are equal and the same like the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. We are given special gifts, purposes and abilities that would be helpful not just to ourselves but the society at large

So let’s coexist, knowing fully well that our levels of importance are equal, no matter your sex.

The League of Extraordinary Pious Girls

Ibadan boy came over, we talked and well he slept over. Even when he was still standing outside my door without letting me know in advance or anything, we both knew he was sleeping over.

While cleansing my face, I imagined my friends coming over the next morning for a surprise visit. The looks on their faces when they see a guy lying on my bed tore through my imagination.

You see, my friends and I are meant to be virtuous women. Virtuous women in the sense that you cannot be caught committing ‘serious sin’, like foreplay, drinking, using lots of swear words, talking excessively about men. Women like us shouldn’t have blood running through our veins; it should rather be liquid steel.

We must flinch anytime we see girls who look like they've been having lots of fun. If we have boyfriends, we should treat them like they don’t matter. Better yet drive them to a break up giving room for better things to do with time. Not having a boyfriend gets you extra points in the LEPG’s society, because it is assumed to be putting God first. Adventures and spontaneous events are out of the question.

I've come to realize that I’m not like them. I like boys, sometimes I want to look sexy; let my hair down, get in that low waist jean, do something crazy, live carefree. But if I do my friends would think I've ‘backslidden’.

For these girls, being born again is simply an excuse to be ambitious, driven women who put their goals above everything, especially relationships with men. Let’s check it, even religious activities come second in their priority list, accomplishments are all that matter. They move from one project to another, winning this and that award. What baffles me is the fact that they act like these appointments or obligations are forced down upon them, like a workaholic spirit is driving them to do things they don’t want to. When they get nominated for a price, they shrug, acting like they couldn't be bothered. And if they win that award, they hang it where everyone can see and if you dare made the mistake of congratulating them; it’s like saying, SORRY OH, I HEARD YOU HAD AIDS.

When it comes to their relationships with men, there is no room for submission or service. To belong to the LEPG’s cliché you must be stubborn, strong, independent, self-confident, and self-sufficient or at least appear to be, because being dependent or vulnerable is frowned upon the LEPG’s.

Those that don’t have boyfriends do one of two things, either they complain asking their friends, ‘is there anything wrong with me’, ‘am I not pretty enough’, ‘what am I doing wrong’? Like they’re not consciously repelling men away from themselves. Or, they remain single, which would win you more points as an LEPG since you didn't have to go through the trouble of having a man in the first place.

I can understand why an LEPG wouldn't want to be vulnerable with a man. In most cases it’s because once you start showing interest in a guy they would turn on you, ignore your calls and act like they’re doing you a favor by spending time with you.

It’s the pretentiousness that really pisses me off, because we all know that we’re at least getting FINGERED. But noooo, we must put on our pious hats and walk with our noses held up high. If you ever made the mistake of sharing your fears and shortcomings with ‘close friends’, they’ll have ‘look at this harlot look’ BOLDLY written all over their faces. Meanwhile they might have had abortions and re-dedicated their lives to Christ the next day.

Why do you think women end up clinging to their man? It’s because they have no one to talk to so they end up suffocating the poor man who ends up being fed up with all the clinginess leading to a break up with the girl. What about the guy friend who becomes you’re shoulder to cry on and ends up falling in love with you.

So ladies, I beg of you.  Let’s stop this nonsense and start being honest with ourselves. There’s nothing being wrong with being ambitious (as long as it’s for the right reasons) and trying to be Christ like too. Just don't act like you’re incapable of committing sin, because you don’t know what you might be doing to your BFF.